Sunday, 27 March 2011

Just thoughts, that's all:)

So, its been much too long since I decided to write here last and I've been feeling a bit at a standstill this past week, so now is a good time I think to share:)

Just over a week ago now, I came back to London from a lovely trip home to Vancouver for my 30th birthday!  I had a wonderful time seeing and spending time with my friends and family, albeit short but nonetheless wonderful hehe.  The trip really reminded me of the ease of my life at home and how much I miss that here in London.  Here everything seems to have to go through "a process" to get done and the amount of hustling you do for work or life in general is not necessarily reciprocated with regards to how much success or work you see.  It feels like life here is somewhat "like pulling teeth" at times and Im not sure if this is just how it is, or if it is something I am putting out regarding my time here and I am seeing it being created before me.  The "in tune" part of me knows it is the latter but arrrrgh, just so frustrated with what feels like constant awareness and trying to push through all these old thoughts and feelings to finally make a little progress and then arrive on the other side to new blocks to overcome!?  The little kid in me just feels like giving up being over here and run home to all that is safe and comfortable to me but the year I have already put into this journey, to only finally now be seeing results, tells me that is not the answer.  Ultimately there is nothing wrong with things here and I now feel much more settled and have some amazing friends that I am truly thankful for.  Work is going decent, although there could always be more and I am able to dance heaps these days which is nice.  Something is missing though, something just does not add up with me and the UK and I cant quite place it.  It has been helping that the weather has been lovely lately and this seems to lift some of the city's dullness and gloom and I have definitely found myself strolling in the sun appreciating many things that are "London" to me.  To be honest Im not sure what has caused my upheaval this time overall.  I know that my time here will come to an end with this year and I guess I also feel like now is the time to achieve the things I originally envisioned for my life here, like travelling and teaching and seeing the rest of Europe and just basically "exploring" a bit more as I feel like life here is a bit too isolated and not necessarily a true representation of all that European life has to offer.

I guess the simplest answer to this is to just simply travel and get on with it, which I am pushing to the forefront in my head and will start looking into short trips over the next couple of months, so I can tick some of my desired locations off my list, as a start at least:)

Aside from that though, I have also been giving some thought as to what I want to do when I do have to return home after all of this and the notion has me both excited and uncomfortable with what it holds.  I would like to go spend some time in LA I think and train and just put in face, as I have not done that since I started dancing professionally and I think it could be beneficial to me on a few levels, so I need to look into that.  There has also been a lot of nagging thoughts regarding what I want to do with my dancing and with my life overall and what the most natural progression for things would be for me at this point?  Im still not sure entirely but somehow I feel like all of my travelling and experiences up to now will have some role in this, we will see how that unfolds though I suppose.

On top of all this work/dance stuff, I have also been spending countless hours in deep thought about some of my subconscious thoughts I have realised I have with regards to men and relationships and I am struggling to stay more on top of what I am putting out with regards to this and truly creating the most ideal environment for myself with regards to this.  It is a process though, sheesh  and can at times be daunting and ever so frustrating!  Im still at work on this but I think I am slowly making progress with it at least, which is always encouraging:)  Some days, I am so happy to be solo and just living life for me, other days old Shauna creeps back in and starts trying to tell me I need someone else to share my life with to feel fulfilled.  For the most part though, I am happy on my own for the time being and am just trying to stay focused on work and dancing and life in general rather than on someone else's thoughts and feelings and how my actions affect them.  Oh life, so much to think about all the time and one never really knows whether it is right or wrong do they.....its all just part of the process and everyones is different, so interesting really.

Anyways, speaking of staying focused on work and stuff I should probably be doing some instead of rambling away on here hahaha.  Hope everyone is well and happy and enjoying the Spring! xxoo