Saturday, 20 August 2011

Dear London

I know many of you don’t know me that well, or haven’t had a chance to spend any real time with me and maybe that’s why I felt it necessary to write this letter.  If you do know me, you know that my reasons for moving to this country were very personal.  I knew that in order to grow as a person and as a dancer, I needed to force myself entirely outside of my comfort zone and that this challenge would put me face to face with many of my personal fears and insecurities.  Even in knowing this though, I don’t know if I was anywhere near ready for the ugly things that came out, or the situations I found myself in during this process. 

As I mentioned, moving here has brought up many personal fears and insecurities, which I never even realized existed within me.  I have never felt such personal internal struggle in my life, with regards to my own person and dance and it has been a challenge that at times I wish I had avoided.  I do believe though, that growth is impossible without discomfort and I know that I will leave this time in my life much stronger and more balanced , than when I entered it.  Unfortunately though, in this process of learning and growing, I fell in love.  This is a very personal note for me to post in such a public space but this is the first time in my life I feel a bond with someone that is strong enough to make this seem reasonable or necessary, in order to let them know how I feel.  I owe this note to the person I love because I was dishonest with him and in turn with many others, as I was scared and felt vulnerable.  I’m hoping that somehow in letting my fears out of hiding and sharing them with others, it will help heal him and I both eventually.

I have spent the majority of my time in this country with a man by the name of Carlos Neto, some of you may know us, some may not.  Either way, I will tell you that this man is extremely special to me.  He has held me up in times when I thought I could not go further and has believed in me when it felt like no one else did.  The bond I share with him is one like no other I have ever experienced with anyone and at first this scared the life out of me!  I’ve thought I was in love a few times before in my life and have had my fair share of relationships, but this has always been different for me.  From long before I moved to London, I knew this man would be in my life and I never doubted it once.  I messaged him almost 2 years before I actually arrived here and continued to watch his career online from then on.  Knowing that he existed here in the UK, gave me strength and confidence that I would have a kindred spirit to dance with when I arrived here and I definitely was not disappointed in that respect!  The day I met him in person, I knew he would be in my life for a long time and that has not changed since.

Over the course of our relationship though, we have had our ups and downs, as most people do.  Through these ups and downs sadly, the insecurities and fear began to compound for me and I became scared of losing him to people and a city that I had begun to feel disillusioned with.  Unfortunately, these fears and insecurities got the better of me in the form of dishonesty.  My whole life, I’ve made a concentrated effort to be honest and up front about my feelings and my positions on things and somehow in my time here, I ended up letting my fears control me rather than my heart and in the end I have lost something that I do not want to live without….Carlos. 
I know there is a very real possibility that this is a mistake which can never be resolved but I wanted to take this opportunity to publicly thank him for being in my life over my time here and also to leave no room for speculation or discussion from people who do not know my true self or my feelings on things to guess at my situation when I am gone.  To anyone who cares to know, I love this man with all my heart.  Him and I have both made mistakes in life and in loving each other, as any other couple has and out of fear of losing him I made the ultimate mistake in lying to him.  I did not do this to be deceitful or vindictive but because my fear of being imperfect for him outweighed my fear of lying.  There really is nothing that excuses looking the person you care about in the eye and being dishonest but please know this is something I will always regret doing.  How we can become so wrapped up in our own fears that we don’t even realize the mistakes we are making, is quite scary and disconcerting to say the least!  I guess, while I have a captive audience though, I just want to clear the air for anyone who has any interest in the scenario in letting you know that of all the things that have been up and down and in and out since I came here, the only constant for me has been him and the belief in “us”.  It has given me comfort when Ive felt alone and has motivated me when I have felt lost.  If I were to write a list of all of my most memorable and meaningful experiences in this country 98% of them would involve him and I will never ever forget the things he has done for me, or the inspiration he has brought me.

When we do not know someone or their situation, I know it can be easy to judge, this is our human nature.  Before I leave though, I wanted everyone here to know that I am only human and in this, I am imperfect just as you are.  My experiences here have taught me many  things and for that I am grateful.  To leave this country without the man I love saddens me more than anything I have experienced in life thus far and this will stay with me for quite some time, maybe forever.  I have definitely learnt the importance of honesty despite any fear though and I hope reading this helps you to avoid the same mistakes I have made.  If you love someone, only treat them with love and respect and never let your fears mask your true self.  You are beautiful just as you are and when love is real, nothing is too much for you to handle together.  Thank you for listening and sharing in my experience.

Love always

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