Since before the new year began, I felt like 2011 had some sort of shift accompanying it and I couldnt help feel excited and as if I was waiting for it to appear. For the past week, I have felt excited, happy and alive. Somehow though, this shift is not entirely in full force yet and today I feel a bit battered and set back again:( Im not sure what this is all about, although I think the final part of it was due to my curious george nature and my decision to begin watching "Earthlings" with the roomies tonight. I dont regret starting it and I will definitely finish it, as it feels educational and as humans we somehow like to be shocked and disgusted with ourselves via imagery and narrative. It gives us this weird internal feeling of disgust for ourselves and our fellow man but somehow it doesnt quite push us to take that extra step and stop eating meat or wearing leather or or or does it? Its odd how we can feel so moved by something and yet tomorrow I will probably wake up and have milk in my tea and no doubt eat something that was inhumanely killed or wear some leather shoes. Argh, this notion makes me feel utterly queezy with myself and its hard not to hate on myself when I think of my role in all of the atrocities that are happening every day to defenseless animals and to our earth in general! I need to start educating myself further on other options I think, as usually my reason for avoidance of new things is just a lack of understanding or readily available knowledge about them. For instance, I would feel much better about myself in general I think if I made the choice not to eat meat. However, as I barely get enough nutrients from my minimal diet as is, I need the iron and other nutrients I get from my random patterings of meat here and there throughout the week to stay strong. I am definitely going to at least make the effort to seek other alternatives though, as I at least want to be able to face myself in the mirror knowing that I did something, anything to help!
Aside from that though haha (sorry got on a tangent there!) I have been spending a lot of time this week considering the concept that if it is indeed true that we all create the physical reality we each live in through our sub conscious and conscious thoughts, then why am I creating my current reality for myself!? I must have some sort of weird ish going on in my head still, even after spending so much time with myself these days and writing loads and trying to gain broader insight into all that is me and all that I want to be me, I am still creating discomfort and lack. I know I have to continue doing all that I can to maintain a healthy, motivated and positive head space in order to continue living my dreams but some days I get frustrated and confused by it all and just want to give up and get a boring 9-5 and call it a day. The lure of the constant pay check and outwardly flashy life, sometimes feels tempting but then I remember what that life felt like as well and something was definitely missing. Even though Ive been broke for the past year and am continuing to struggle, I somehow still cant help feeling blessed with the talents god gave me and the amazing people I have in my life. I just wish I had a clearer picture on what it is I am meant to do with my talents and how I can help others in this journey. I am surrounded constantly by so many amazing, beautiful and inspiring people and to watch them and myself struggle makes my heart ache sometimes. I want to be able to hold their hands and show them the way but I am pushing to find it for myself as well, so it is hard. All I can offer for now is my positivity and kind words of motivation in hopes that we will all move forward together and there will be a light at the end of this tunnel for all of us that is shiny and rich:)
This is getting really long so Im going to stop for tonight but if you get a chance check out "earthlings" and prepare to change your lifestyle asap afterwards!
Lots of love